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Calling Porsche AG for a “Grocery Getter”

My man Roy Lock got his new “Grocery Getter” from Porsche AG. Too bad they screwed the whole thing up. Man, he got the shaft. I will let Roy tell his tongue in cheek tale.

Cheapskate Roy Screws Up Ordering the new Grocery Getter By Roy Lock
If you didn’t hear about my Roadster escapade this month, it was not good. Frank and I grenaded the engine in our Roadster. After getting the car to Jim Ansite’s shop we discovered that it was a broken crankshaft. Since the Roadster has a S90 engine with all original components, you can imagine the expense of replacement parts. A NOS original S90 counterweighted light weight crank like the one I HAD in the Roadster is just unobtainable. Yes, there are used used ground cranks out there, but to find another NOS one, well I might as well ask for the Moon to be really made of cheese.

So I asked my wonderful wife of 25+ years for a new crank for Christmas. It didn’t happen, it was just a lump of coal. I then did the next best thing. I asked her what she wanted so I could buy a new crank. Nothing doing, after pricing out a new crank, it was easier to negotiate for a new Porsche. I asked Patt for a new Porsche. I told her it was cheaper than buying a new crank. She bought into the idea. She was tired of the neighbors talking about how cheap I was driving these 50 year old junk piles.

Then began the delicate summit meeting about what options I could order with the car. The word came down from the top that the only Porsche I could have was a basic stripped down Carrera. No air conditioning, radio, cheap interior, and no NAV. She said I could have the “Go-fast” motor, but no PDK. She asked that I keep things to a minimum. No 4 wheel drive! Just 2 wheel drive. If I wanted to argue, then she would kill the deal. What a negotiator. I’m glad I worked in a different department at work.

O.K. so I get on the Porsche website to configure and price out a cheap car. I deleted all the options. After getting by that part of the configurator, it asks for my home phone number. I entered that and submitted the order for more info. About 30 minutes later, I get a long distance phone call from some heavily accented German guy from the AG. He sounded pretty excited to talk to me. We talked about what I intended to do with the car. Well, I can’t say that I’m going to use it for getting groceries everyday so I told him it was going to be my track car. Boy did he get animated. He was on the phone for well over an hour. What customer service for a cheapskate like me. He made me feel special. I had to turn the phone over to Frank to continue the ordering process so I could get a drink. Later he told me that he ordered the “Father-Delete Option. I don’t know what that was but I figured he meant that he would be driving the car without me sometimes. Cute. I finished the negotiations. We finalized the deal over the phone and he said the car would be air freighted to me in a few days. Wow!!! Am I special or what? Porsche’s legendary customer service comes through for the Royster.
So, a few days past and I get a phone call about my new car. I was told to meet them at a nondescript warehouse near the docks of Los Angeles Harbor. What, don’t I get the red carpet treatment at the deaership? Nope, but hey, I bought a stripped down car. It must have come with the “Dealer Red Carpet Delete” option. I get there, and there is only one guy there. He told me that he was there to explain all the features of the car to me. I told him that I didn’t need all that. So, we settled up. I paid him and he did all the paperwork.
As he was leaving, I asked for the keys. He looked at me and laughed. Key’s? There are no keys. Oh, so this is one of those keyless entry cars. He thought I was a funny guy. There was a crew to help me load the car into a trailer. Trailer? I wanted to drive this beast home. Again, he laughed. I was informed that this was not a street legal car. What? Boy do I have to pay for the legalization extra? Is this how they are going to nickel and dime me? Well, I took the car anyway. I always wanted to drive a new Porsche. Here are some of my pictures of the car.

As I first saw the car. No roll up windows, no air, no NAV, no nothing but pure driving exhilaration. This is a minimalist configuration. Nice wheels though.

What happened to door panels. Boy just a pull strap and no automatic windows. As a matter of fact, the windows don’t row down. Carbon fiber showing through and no leather. Patt will be happy with this bargain basement Porsche. She thinks she got off cheap.

Ha Ha. Now I know what the “Father-Delete” option is. Where’s my seat? Do I have to sit on the box? Geez!

Look, no retractable seat belts. How cheap can they get? I don’t mind the lack of carpet on the floors or the sides, but floppy seat belts? That takes the cake for being flimsy and cheap. I’ll have to talk to that guy in Germany again and express my dissatisfaction.

But there is plenty of room for groceries when I can get this car registered. I hope DMV doesn’t give me any problems. After all this is a new car. Maybe I should take it to AAA and have them help me. I’m a member for 35+ years.

Then I walked to the back of the car and NO gold logos! Just some cheap sticker!

And they had those cheap hinge locks. But they could be opened quickly by any common thief and my engine and groceries can be stolen.

Today, Frank and Jim Ansite pulled the engine out of my original numbers matching 63 S90 Coupe to transplant the engine into the Roadster. I will then have time to figure out what to do about the engine in the Roadster. I have options, none cheap, but I do have options and that’s another story. Stay tuned for the further adventures of Roy and his toys.

See Dan, I do have another 356!!! It’s not hot air. It’s a ’63 S90 Karmann bodied Sunroof Coupe. It has 40,000 miles on the odometer. I am the second owner. The engine transplant will give me a chance to logically think through the options. Thanks to all my 356 Porsche family for all the help and encouragement.

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